there's paper in my vomit.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
