part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
