Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
