I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize