my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
