I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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