I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
