Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
