It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
