This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
