Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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