You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
