im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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