I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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