so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
