I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
