I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
