Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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