im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
