I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
