found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
