sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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