you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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