Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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