He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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