you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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