shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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