the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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