I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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