what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize