The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Im part way to drunk.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
