I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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