Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize