Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
