the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
