It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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