i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
this hospital has no fireball
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
