you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
