If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
