I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize