Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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