As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
