I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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