All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
