I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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