Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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