UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize