hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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