The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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