i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm jealous of your bromance
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize