zippers are such a cool invention
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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