i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
