im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
