I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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