I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
