last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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