She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize