I can tuck mytits in my pants
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
