Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
