Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize