rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
