Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
