Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
