the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
