Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
