When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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