I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
